HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

@ 10:25 AM by jessica

I won't be spending Mother's day with my mom since she told us (my sister and I) not to come to San Francisco until we're done with Finals. I think this entry is a bit personal but oh well.

I'm lazy to upload or look for a picture of my mother. I don't even have hella pictures with her but here's a picture of my mom and great grandmother from my phone.

My family has always been a hard subject to talk about. But my mom, wow. .she's something else. We have the most strange relationship. Throughout my teen years, my mother and I became distant. We always had arguments and there has been many times where I've told her I hated her or didn't like her. I remember when I was little, I would always ask her if I was her favorite, of course she said yes, but as time went by I know I am not anymore. At family parties and such, people would always tell me how much I looked like my mom when she was young. Growing up, I always felt like I didn't have a purpose in my family because when my parents decided to have kids, they wanted a boy and girl. Obviously, I am the middle child and that's it, I'm nothing more than that. My sister, who is the oldest daughter and first child while my brother is the youngest and being the boy they always wanted. I felt like there was no place for me because what attention does the middle child get? I'm not the oldest or the youngest, I'm not the first/youngest daughter or son, I'm just another daughter. During my teen years, when my sister and I would fight--she would tell me that I'm not her sister. Why? Because back when my mom was in labor with me, she was really sick and that she needed blood in order for both of us to be alive. I thought that was really ignorant of my sister because everyday blood is donated to help people lives. I can understand because we were young when she said that, but that really hurts to hear. That she said I was another woman's daughter, um hello? I came out of the same mother as her so how could I possibly be another woman's daughter because of her blood?! That really irked me. I wish I could go back to those days that I was my mothers favorite, back when I used to cry at night having dreams that my parents wouldn't be with me forever (weird that I dreamt these kind of dreams in like elementary, huh?). Even though we argue a lot, all the times I walked out of the house saying, "Ma, I'm going to school now. I love you, bye." I meant it. All the times I try to tell her "I love you" on the phone even though I get pissed 'cause she hangs up on me before I even get to say it, I meant it.

My great grandma was the only one I knew who noticed me in our house. She was the person I slept with while my brother slept with my dad and my sister slept with my mom all in different rooms. I really miss my bai (great grandmother in Pangasinan). I used to always walk with my bai when we would go places because she was old but I liked doing it and holding her hand. Last year, I spent the last day with her at the airport before she left for the Philippines. That day, my heart broke. I cried in the car going back home because NO ONE told me that my bai was never coming back. Everyone told me that it was obvious because she's getting old, but I always thought she was going to come back. I cried so much when she left because I knew that she wasn't going to be at my Debut and see how much I've grown into a "woman". I even cried about it in front of my whole English class during our music Fridays. I know she's old and she forgets a lot of things, but I hope that that senior portrait I secretly put in her purse, she will randomly find it and remember who I am.

Anyway, I hope everyone's having fun on this Mother's appreciation day and enjoying the beautiful weather as well.

It's already 11:07, so it took me a really long time 'cause of all the thoughts and tears that came while writing this. FML.